


What's My Age Again?

by Lorei



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 01:52:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3311180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorei/pseuds/Lorei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fun fact: Blink-182 was thinking about VrisKan when they wrote their classic '99 ode to post-college dating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's My Age Again?

**Author's Note:**

> pls picture vriska and terezi living basically like seasons 1-5 rachel and monica but more awful and pretty dysfunctional. i guess the across hall neighbors are dave and karkat. i guess i could add more chapters to this if i was feelin like writing a silly postcollege au. we'll see.

Vriska had a Friday night date and she was excited about it. It felt really _adult_ to have a scheduled date, even if her plan was just to hang out and probably make out with her new girlfriend. 

Kanaya had been a friend of hers in college, but had moved back into the New York suburbs after school. When Vriska moved to the city a year later, Kanaya was one of the first people she hit up. Things took off, Vriska guessed, when her college buddy confessed that, ever since they’d been sophomore suitemates, she’d had a crush. “Of course, I figured we wanted different things then,” Kanaya’d said over coffee, “Seeing as you were on-again off-again with Tavros for, what, three years?”

They both laughed but Vriska dragged her hands down her face. “Yeah. Fuuuck, that was such a mess! I guess we won’t be on again, seeing as how he took out an actual restraining order.”

Kanaya tucked that factoid into the back of her mind, and returned to the matter at hand. “But then I was talking to Terezi and she said the two of you used to go out in high school. I didn’t know you were bi!” She said this with a hint of playful accusation. “It’s not on Facebook or anything!”

Vriska thought about this and shrugged. “I guess you’re right. But yeah, I’m pretty much pansexual, I’d say. Open to anything, really.” She looked up from her phone just as Kanaya looked up from her coffee. “Why do you ask-” She cut off as she realized that her friend was blushing a little bit, and looking nervous. It was pretty clear what she wanted her to ask. “So do you want to go out sometime?”

Terezi – best friend, worst enemy, ex-high school crush, current roommate, oldest relationship – cracked up when she heard that Kanaya Maryam was coming over to hang out, maybe get a drink. “You’re going to blow it, you know,” she said in a purposefully loud and obnoxious voice. “She is waaaay too good for you, Serket.” 

“Fuck off!!!” Vriska yelled this as she went to buzz Kanaya up. “We are going to have a great time, you'll seeeeeeee. Come in!”

And that was the first non-official date. Three weeks later, Vriska texted Kanaya from work on a Wednesday and asked if she wanted to go on a date that Friday. She felt super mature dropping that word. It sounded legit as hell. 

And on Friday night, she picked Kanaya up from the ‘burbs – first time she’d really used the car she’d insisted on dragging into the city – and they went for a long walk in the city. At Kanaya’s suggestion, they window-shopped a little. At Vriska’s, they got an over-priced drink. Vriska was feeling pretty good about the night so far. She’d even decided to wear one of Terezi’s spectrum of perfumes, something she was about ninety percent sure Kanaya noticed. 

They want back to her place. Lights were off and Terezi wasn’t there. “We have it to ourselves,” Kanaya said, laughing a little. “Wait – don’t turn the lights on, not yet.” Two minutes later and they were making out on the couch. It was pretty awesome, kissing Kanaya. And it was even better when Kanaya started taking off her pants _while_ they were kissing. 

As she ran her hands through Kanaya’s carefully coiffed hair, she saw that the clock on the endtable was showing five minutes to the new episode of _Blue Bloods._ So she reached behind her, fumbled for the remote, and with one eye on Kanaya and the other on the beautiful flatscreen she’d swiped from her mom’s house, turned on the TV.

She knew something was wrong the moment Kanaya froze up. “Um. What?” she asked, baffled, as her date disentangled herself and looked at her with something approaching fury. “I always watch TV on Fridays so…” 

Kanaya exhaled slowly. “Um. Alright. Ummm…just give me a minute. To. Uh. To go to the restroom.” It was a pretty clear lie, but Vriska was still pretty blindsided. 

“Sure,” she said, still confused. “Second door on the right.” As Kanaya left, Vriska shut the TV, grabbed her phone, and texted the most relevant mutual friend(ish) she and Kanaya had. 

_Heyyy Karkat, remember me? I’m out on a d8 with Kanaya from Art History and it was all going well, but now she’s lying about having to pee. What’s up with that?_

_UM I DON’T KNOW? I BET YOU FUCKED IT UP. WHAT DID YOU DO?_

_Noooooooothing! We were hooking up, I put on the TV, now she is STILL fake peeing. Something’s weird!_

_NO, SOMEONE’S AN IDIOT. YOU WERE WATCHING THE TV? WOW. HOW OLD ARE YOU? I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’VE GOT. IDK. ADULT ONSET ADD OR SOMETHING. HAHA YOU SUCK, SERKET._

Vriska hissed and was about to type out a scathing assessment of Karkat’s various character flaws when Kanaya came back. Vriska settled for shooting back an honest question - _What the hell is ADD?_ \- and looked apprehensively at Kanaya. “I’m...so sorry?” she said.

Kanaya mistook Vriska’s questioning tone for a hesitantly ventured apology. “It’s okay,” she said, smiling ruefully. “But I think we lost the moment, and it’s a long way back out to my place. Can we go back?”

“Yeah, sure…” Vriska grabbed her jacket from where it landed on the floor. “Sounds good, let’s get the car!”

They were coasting on 495 when Kanaya said, “I think you’re the only person I know who actually took a car to the city! Seriously, I’ve lived here my whole life, and no one I know has a car there.”

It was the first thing she’d said that wasn’t oddly stilted. Vriska was pretty sure she could keep that trend going, though. “Yeah, and see how useful it is! Saving a whole bunch of money that otherwise would have gone to mass transit.”

“Your commute is _on_ public transit!”

“Well, yeah, but if the subway shut down…” she said this as they pulled into a rest-stop, still 20 miles from Kanaya’s house. “Okay, but check this out. It is the only place I’ve seen that still has connected pay phones in a while.”

“Pay phones? Wow, I don’t remember the last time I used one…”

“I do! Pyrope and I used to use them all the time when we were kids. We prank-called people in our town. And even when people got caller ID, they couldn’t tell who it was! John and I did it in college, too – that random pay phone out in the student center, remember it?”

“That’s so…completely like you guys,” Kanaya said, laughing. “That’s kind of fun. Do you still do it?”

“Hell yeah! It’s super amusing, I promise.”

“And immature.”

“Yeah, that too. So tell me! Who should we prank phone call?” Kanaya didn’t seem to have any ideas but Vriska had a good one. “How ‘bout your mom? She seemed cool!” That was a dead lie. Kanaya’s mom had clearly heard about the restraining order, or about the junior year suspension (an unfortunate incident where Vriska had been forced to kick a real chode named Ampora’s ass,) or one of several other incidents that – with context – were completely understandable and even funny. The bitch gave Vriska serious side-eye when she picked Kanaya up and was probably sitting up waiting for her kid. Vriska was immune to it, though, since she’d long been convinced that mothers (outside of Terezi’s, anyway) sucked universally. 

Kanaya didn’t pick up on this. “Sure, we can try! That could be fun. Let’s do it?”

So they got out, crunched through some leaves to get to the pay phone, and Vriska dropped in a quarter. Kanaya put her head close to Vriska’s so she could hear the other end of the receiver. And she was smiling about it, giggling like she couldn’t believe they were doing it. But Vriska was pretty serious about things like this. She was the prank phone call master. 

“It’s the cops,” she said, confidently, and without registering the sudden crease of worry that crossed Kanaya’s face, “Your husband’s in jail! You know, the state looks down on sodomy— that bitch hung up on me!” she cried out, startled. 

But she couldn’t process it any further because Kanaya, shocked, hit her full in the face. “Oh my—what the --- what the hell, Vriska!” 

“It’s a prank phone call!”

“No, that’s really gross! What is wrong with you? Would you say that to your mom about your dad?”

“Yeah! It’s just a joke, Kanaya, lighten _uuuup_ \-- come back!” Kanaya had actually stormed off this time, practically speedwalking back to the car. 

Vriska was not convinced that wasn’t a great phone call. But she texted John, her most recent ex and continual prank phone call partner, to check. _I’m out with Kanaya and I was trying to cheer her up so I just did the whole I’m the cops thing to her mom! It’s classic, right? I called from the pay phone so it’s not like there was, hell, caller ID on it!_

It was a pretty awkward ride back but Vriska wasn’t sure why it had to be. She and Terezi prank-called people probably three times a week after work, and usually said things that were much lewder. 

“It never occurred to you that some people, I don’t know, actually like their mothers?” Kanaya lifted her head from hands, still kind of pink and actually shaking a little bit. “Vriska, look, I like you, but you’re acting like a child!”

“I don’t know why…I’m not _trying_ to!” She meant this and maybe Kanaya picked up on the sincerity because she offered a crooked smile as she opened the car door. 

“Goodnight. I’ll…I’ll call you, okay?” She shut the door a little too loudly and vanished inside.

Vriska’s phone buzzed as the door shut. Frowning, and feeling entirely un-adult, Vriska checked it. It was from John. _haha vriska you did it on a romantic date?? i’m no karkat when it comes to romance but i’m pretty sure you don’t do that when you’re an adult!_

“Are you fucking kiiiidding,” Vriska whined out loud, putting her head against her car wheel. “No one ever said that to me in college so what gives!”

She was expecting sympathy from her roommate and maybe a vent session accompanied by a beer. She was not expecting Terezi to fall on the floor laughing, clutching her side, and actually punching the floor. “Fuck you!!!” she yelled, grabbing Terezi’s cane. “I will throw this out the window if you don’t shut the hell up!”

“I can’t believe she still said she likes you! After all that ohmigoshhhh you are the worst, Serket, you’re the worst and no one likes you!”

Vriska aimed a furious kick at her roommate’s head, but Terezi’s reflexes were too fast and instead she fell flat on her ass. This only sent her roomie into a renewed gust of laughter – and sniffing. “What are you smelling me for, weirdo?” Vriska said, petulantly glaring into Terezi’s smug-ass face. “I stole some of your perfume, obviously, so what.”

“No, that’s cologne you dumb fuck! Did you really mess that up?”

“Shove it ‘Rezi! I’ll fucking end you!”

It was a week later and Kanaya was terse in her texts. The next week wasn’t much better and Vriska was pretty sure they’d break up, “And I still don’t think I ruined that date! You and I used to make out with the TV all the time,” she informed Terezi over 6:30 am cereal. 

“Yeah, dumbass, we were in high school and we were also drinking wine you stole from your mom! Mood’s a little different, don’t you think?” 

“No, not really! But I asked her if she’d want to come clubbing with us next Friday. I didn’t call it a date, I just said we’d be hanging out. She said she’d think about it. That cool with you?”

Terezi shrugged. “Yeah, I have a date too. Check this out, I’m going out with Dave _and_ Karkat.”

“What, and that’s mature?!”

“Fuck yeah, exploring poly relationships is probably the most adult thing you can do, short of doing your own taxes. Don’t worry—“ she held her hand up, pre-empting Vriska’s question, “I’m not learning to do that yet. Not quite that adult.”

So that Friday the five of them met up casually (Vriska had _promised_ it would be casual) in front of a big city club. Kanaya still seemed hesitant and this made Vriska nervous. When her date was looking around and people watching, Vriska surreptitiously took a few drinks from a flask the hole she’d cut in her blue jacket’s inner lining. By the time they got let in, she was pretty buzzed and failed to notice that Kanaya was texting pretty intensely. Terezi and her boyfriends split off pretty quickly – Vriska wouldn’t see them again that night.

She and Kanaya checked their coats, but they were both distracted and didn’t talk much. Kanaya still had her phone out and she seemed a little anxious. “Um, Vriska, I have to be honest,” she started as they walked onto the floor. But something else intruded on Vriska’s eyeline. 

“Hey, I know that chick!” Vriska instinctively fumbled for her flask, which she’d relocated to her purse. She was oblivious to Kanaya’s startled – and somewhat judgmental – look as she pointed across the room at a girl roughly her size. “It’s Aradia, remember her, that creepy bitch who screwed over my college LARPing career?”

With more then a hint of contempt, Kanaya said, “Riiight. I’d forgotten that chapter of your college career. But it’s coming back. Isn’t that--” she recalled a certain factoid Vriska had dropped a month ago, “Why Tavros’ dad took out the restraining order?”

“I just showed that wimp you can’t just back out of something like that,” Vriska said, handing her phone and her glasses to Kanaya, “But thiiiiiiiis bitch thinks she got away with it! Yeah right. This’ll juuuuuuuust take sec-- hey, Megido!” Vriska shouted this as she walked quickly, with purpose, and with intent to get into a major barfight. She was hardly cognizant that Kanaya had walked away from her. 

It was only a few minutes later that her and fairly drunk Aradia Megido – weirdly stronger then Vriska remembered, and somehow even creepier – settled their differences in a quick, nasty fistfight. The bouncers dragged them apart, and to settle the adrenaline, she finished off her flask. It was then that Kanaya came up to her, tapped her on the shoulder, handed her back the phone and glasses, and yelled over the music, “Vriska! I’m breaking up with you!”

Vriska heard and she felt her eyes widen inadvertently. “Seriously?” She yelled back, “Megido had it coming, I swear, and we’re good now--!”

“It’s not that! Or at least that’s just one reason!” Kanaya indicated a pretty girl who, Vriska noted on second glance, was holding her most recent ex’s hand. “This is Rose, from my office. We’ve been talking the past week. And I was pretty sure you were going to end it—“ 

“Whaaaaaaaat?! Why would I? I—I like you?” she said, blankly. It came out as a question. She was suddenly thinking that Kanaya took herself _absurdly_ seriously, given that they were just a year out of school.

“Look, we’ll stay friends!” Kanaya promised but through the haze, Vriska only registered the ‘break up’ part. “But you’re just, you’re still so immature! You’re acting like you did in freshman year!” 

The new chick – Vriska saw her as a rush of pale hair, color contacts, and black lipstick on a smug smirk – waved her fingers as she and Kanaya turned away and disappeared into the club.

“Then. Then! Then we’re breaking up, Maryam! It’s over!” She yelled this into a solid wall of noise, and a small part of her was completely aware of how useless this declaration was. Vriska pushed through some people and shoved her way onto a barstool. She called for a rum and coke and as it arrived, the girl on the neighboring barstool leaned over and said, “I saw all that! You’re pretty hardcore, aren’t you?” Vriska looked around irritably. It was hard to hear but the bar was lit enough that Vriska could tell the girl was pretty fucking cool. She wore her hair in long braids that practically hit the floor, and wore a t-shirt artfully ripped into a bellyshirt over low-slung black jeans. Vriska decided she might as well indulge her. 

“I got dumped!”

“What? No, you tried to curb-stomp that weird girl in the long skirt! It was awesome.” 

It was a little easier to hear when Vriska pulled her stool over a little. “I got dumped, too! Maybe becaaaaaaaase of it! What the hell. She took herself so fucking…so serious! But I like her, or, I liked her…”

The other girl – Vriska could tell she was a year or so older, even though she was wearing pink converse and really gaudy jewelry – laughed. “Sorry, kid, no one likes you when you’re twenty-three!” That statement was just a truth that Vriska had suspected for about a month. But as she threw back her rum and coke, the girl shouted out what was actually pretty sage advice. “You’ve got plenty of time to fall in love! And to get in line with a serious relationship!”

Vriska found this sage primarily because she couldn’t agree more. “My friends keep saying I need to grow up,” she replied. “That’s crazy, though. I don’t _waaaaaaaant_ too!” 

“I’m Meenah,” the girl said offhandedly, putting down cash for Vriska’s drink. “Meenah Peixes.”

“Vriska Serket,” Vriska offered. It had been a while since she’d met a hot stranger at the bar, although she was pretty sure that was where the Ampora trainwreck had its origins. 

“Wanna have another round and get out of here?” Meenah looked around, sizing up the other clubbers. “Or maybe fight that spray-tanned orange guy with me? He looks douchey as fuck.”

“Sounds immature as fuck,” Vriska said, cracking her knuckles and feeling her adrenaline spike back up. She did catch Meenah’s knowing smirk but she clarified anyway. “But I don’t ever wanna act my age.”


End file.
